November 16, 2009

All my love, to the one who I failed more than any other.  Go with God.

Consider Me a Political Renegade

It’s always implied that intelligent, educated people are informed of, and subsequently care about politics. For the past hundred years or so, every under-represented group has been encouraged to involve themselves in politics as a way to further their cause. Women, young people, black people, Latinos. So, being a young, black, woman, it would seem obvious that a major way to communicate intelligence and education would be to have well-thought out and even progressive opinions about what goes on in the wild world of government.

You might want to take a seat for this one. Does anyone have smelling salts on hand? Just in case?

I’m over it. Done with politics.

Because, really, unless I’m willing to become an activist, my opinions about politics do very little good. And I’m not. That being said, what good does it do for me to know who President Obama shook hands with today? What good does it do for me have a passionate opinion about whether or not we build universal health care or not? Unless I’m an activist or a politician, I have very little say about what happens, how or why. So why waste time, energy and words on something so inconsequential? Yes, these things affect us for better and for worse. But we live in a fallen world. Things are going to go downhill. We also serve a graceful God; there will always be good and we will always have hope. So why worry?

That being said, there’s a difference between convictions and opinions. According to Webster,

Conviction: a strong persuasion or belief

Opinion: a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter

I’ve simply decided to hold fast to those thing which God has convicted me of, and let go of my opinions. Because really, unless I’m shopping for household decor and I need my opinion of “earthy” or “mod,” my opinions do very little good. However, because my convictions are from God, I cannot ignore them. So my convictions about abortion, modesty, the sovereignty of of the Word, etc. are non-negotiable. So I cannot act in any way that contradicts those convictions. But neither can I devote my life to convincing you of those things. All I can do is live my life in such a way that men can only acknowledge that they are truth. My opinions don’t do anything in that regard, and most of my political opinions are just that; my opinions.

I’m always so stressed about what happens and how it affects me. Will I have enough money? Did Bruce get a good job? Am I getting the right education? Will I have to get health insurance through the same United States that can’t deliver my mail on time? Do people care about children? Do I live in a country that champions true freedom of religion? Does my local representative champion my opinions and make it easy for me to live out my convictions?

But why am I worried? Is there not a God? Is He not the final authority? Is He not my provider? My protector? So all I can do is what He has convicted me of, and live my life according to His will. The rest is up to Him. Why am I worried that somehow mere men, mere humanity, can prevent God’s will?

How foolish.

Perhaps the most intelligent thing I can do, the best way to exhibit my education is to hear Peter, put on a “gentle and quiet spirit, ” and like Mary, while others wonder and discuss, simply “treasure these things,” “pondering” them in my heart, and using them to strengthen my faith.

Funny Story

Right about the time I’m at a Community College with like, 20 white kids, and I’m feeling more uncomfortable than I have since I was at an all-black church, I come to a crazy realization. I guess it’s kind of been a long time in the making, and I don’t know when the scales tipped, but guess what? I don’t hate being black. lol. To some of you that sounds completely nuts, but really, those of you who know me know where I’m coming from.

I’m not exactly a poster girl for Essence Magazine.  And when you’re… not “culturally black,” those who are, often have issues with you. When your best friend is Asian, and you go to a church called Sandals, and you’re married to a white kid from Wisconsin, and your academic goals include an all-girls college called St. Kate’s, and you believe in things like homeschooling and you use “like” the way some people use “um,” and you’re into artist like Josh Groban and sports like Acrobatic Gymnastics… let’s just say the black community isn’t exactly making a hero out of you.

So, that being said, I’ve never had a great relationship with “my race.” Black people think I’m “trying to be white,” “ashamed of my race,” “in denial,” or flat out, “a sell-out.” Seriously. So when people tell you that from age 4, you’re not exactly in love with these people. Suffice it to say, I didn’t have a lot of black friends growing up. Didn’t think they were cute, didn’t like their music, wouldn’t watch their television station, never copied their styles, and definitely didn’t want to be associated with them.

Not to say I was prejudiced against them as a whole. I knew that wasn’t fair. I had a few black friends here and their. My favorite choreographer in gymnastics. A couple of kids in my 99.9% White highschool (lol). My first boyfriend was black (theoretically). But that was mostly it. But I’d say somehwere between leaving Loveland (which was most definitely a hostile environment), I’ve come to terms with the black thing.

In the past few years I’ve relized that while a large number of African Americans are determined to be (in my opinion) complete idiots, it’s not nature; it’s nurture. Pretty much only black person I ever remotely liked as a little kid was this brilliant homeschool kid named Dorian. He was pretty much as “white” as I was, and he was a freaking genius. I was totally in love. Then his (not-so-brilliant) parents sent him off to USC at 16. Let’s just say he made a lot of stupid decisions, got significantly “blacker” and lost nearly all of my respect. I think Dorian made me really look at my anti-black bias.

The other thing that totally changed my mind was the basic death of “hardcore” rap. In the past year, hip-hop has stayed alive, but “gangster” rap is pretty much a lost art. In the process, black art has gotten… classier. More artists, despite their cultural “flavor” are classically trained, and are growing up with more money, and experiencing better childhoods. So we’re not subject to ill-fitting, trashy clothes, close-minded cultural opinions, invariably offensive lyrics, one-dimensional perspectives and general poor taste. Today, we’ve got singers with classical training, producers who know music outside of the United States ghettos, dancers who do more than gyrate, artists with access to better resources, people in general with better educations, and more insightful perspectives. More than anything, the notion that “being black” comes with strictly defined  (often negative) cultural expectations is significantly less common.

The funny thing is, I never really noticed that my opinions of myself, my race and my fellow African-Americans had changed. Until today, really. It’s hilarious, and more than a little annoying that it took me 21 years to figure out that there are black role models I actually want to model after. There are black dancers, politicians, speakers, pastors, doctors, actors, musicians, artists, writers, fashion icons, teachers, and even just random kids on the street that I actually identify with.

Crazy.

Finding Joy Every Day

So I decided that a) I don’t relax enough, and b) I don’t find enough joy in life. So I also decided to make a list of things that help me take a deep breath and revel in the glory of God’s creation.

1. Wisconsin. Need I say more?
2. Quilting. It’s just fun, and cool. And I’m so bad at it. But despite how crooked my stitches are, it still comes out pretty cool. I like that.
3. Kids. They’re just cooler than adults. I think it’s the fact that they have significantly less to stress out about. And probably the fact that their happiness is so full-force, it’s absolutely contagious.
4. Gymnastics/Yoga/Ballet. Any kind of intense physical activity that requires you to use every inch and muscle of your body. It probably has something to do with the fact that it has to be the only thing your thinking about, or it doesn’t usually work out well. And if it IS the only thing you’re thinking about, it usually results in something amazing.
5. Dressing up. I don’t know why. But something about feeling like you look your best is absolutely addicting.
6. Music. It moves my soul. Period.
7. Bruce when he’s happy. He’s just…. him. lol. There are no words. When he’s good, he’s just good. So I married him.
8. CHURCH. You get out of your car at church, and everything’s fine. Period. By the time the last song of worship ends, you’re pretty much in an alternate reality. It’s amazing.
9. The beach. A quiet beach. Need I say more?
10. Blog.
11. Bake.
12. Chocolate ice cream with yellow cake mixed in from Coldstone.
13. Spicy Indian Chicken Curry. If I have to elaborate on that, you’re missing out on life….
14. Cleaning. Weird but true. I just have to get started. I always think, “oh, I don’t want to CLEAN!” But once I get started, it’s freaking awesome.

Things I’m going to try.

1. Quiet time.
2. Painting.
3. Walking.
4. Teaching.
5. Singing.
6. Practicing hospitality and charity.
7. Stretching.
8. Going to Starbucks.
9. Getting a pedicure.
10. Buying flowers.
11. Reading “fluff.”
12. Playing piano.
13. Going see a play or recital.
14. Gardening.
15. Go to conferences/classes/lectures about interesting topics.

Modest is Hottest

Okay, so EVERY Christian girl has heard that line. “Modest is hottest.” Otherwise known as, “all the cool Christian girls know they ought to cover up more than all the heathen girls, or else boys will be driven to mindless lust by your bare knees and shoulders….” lol. But it’s more of an obligation, you know?

I am relieved and almost proud to say, I’ve moved past the “cover up or else” mindset. I’m not bragging; seriously. Honestly, it’s odd. But I recently realized, I prefer modesty. I prefer to not have my shirt half-way down my chest. I prefer to not have my skirt half-way up my thigh. I prefer not to wear things that are likely to reveal my underthings (top or bottom half). I prefer items that are not too tight, and definitely things that aren’t see-through. I prefer to be cute vs. hot. I even prefer less makeup and less jewelry. Not necessarily none. Just less. It’s weird. But true.

I’ve developed an entirely different perspective on fashion and style. I’m kind of excited to see where this takes me in my shopping, dressing, and day-to-day choices in presentation. I think this realization has been “coming to me” since I realized that one of my favorite “style icons” is Michelle Obama. I’ve never really thought much about how I wanted to look; I’ve always been more preoccupied in who I wanted to to like how I looked. That being said, I think marriage has affected my definition of a great look; I really don’t care who’s impressed by my outfits more than Bruce.

Interesting, hmm?

Check out some of my new favorite designers/looks.

Christa Taylor’s Lookbook

Shabby Apple

Layers

Be Precious

I just love this song.

It’s so… Bruce. lol. It’s so Bruce-trying-not-be-like-his-preppy-high-strung-California-wife…. The funniest thing is, I absolutely LOVE this song. Go figure. It’s my new ringtone, too. lol.

Life Mentors

So, I REALLY believe in mentors. One thing I really believe about mentors is that a) they don’t neccessarily have to know you’re looking up to them, and b) they don’t have to be your go-to person for every aspect of life. I mean, really; I would consider Sheri my coaching mentor; but she’s divorced, and as much as I love, she’s really not someone I’d be following around taking notes on when it comes to my relationship with Bruce. However, my small group leaders, the Gnehms, have been married for like, 50 years! They are TOTALLY my marriage mentors!

The point? I think I’m going to start actively accumalating mentors. I need better life models. After all, check out what Titus 2: 1-4 says.

You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. 2Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.

3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

6Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

So basically, we younger peeps are supposed to be following those with more experience around to figure out how to play this game. And you older people are supposed to be good examples! I <3 accountability. lol

Oh, the discovery!

So, today I discovered,

a) that I HATE preschools… but I love preschooler’s more. I had to do my first day in my observation classroom today, and as much it broke my heart that the teachers couldn’t look more frustrated, uninspired, overworked and impatient if they tried, the kids were an absolute joy. Even the one I had to chase around the classroom for 9 minutes… lol.

b) I need an apartment asap so I can start working on my hospitality skills. I don’t really think it’s a good idea to bring random people over to my parent’s house, but I do need to start being more relational. So Project Move-Away commences (not that I was sitting on my laurels as it was).

c) Yoga is cool! I was blessed and I got a teacher that doesn’t really get into the spirituality/mysticism of it, so I’m defiitely keeping that class. Let me just get something out there; I do not sit still. I’m always thinking, always moving, always planning and ALWAYS stressed. That being said, Yoga minus the Eastern Mysticism nonsense was fantastic. I don’t think I’ve been that peaceful and quiet in years. I might have actually figured out a way to have quiet time! Yoga might even help me with my prayer life! Crazy!

d) dressing up is fun. Especially when you feel good about what you’re wearing. I’ll never understand the perpetual “slumming it” look. Clean up! It’s good for the soul. And it helps rude sales clerks get their act together… hehehe.

I love life

Okay, I’m not going to lie; LIFE SUCKS! I mean, I’m just being real here. I’m generally a realist. If I’ve got some wild and crazy dream or ideal, I’m not being a dreamer; it might be a little crazy or wild, but I know that it’s possible. I don’t do complete fantasy; I’ve lived enough life to know that life’s not walk on the beach. But even though it sucks, I love life. You just learn so much, and come to so many amazing realizations and experience such profound moments.

Take today for example. Today I,

a) rediscovered how much Chris Rice and Jimmy Needham speak to me. Especially the latter. Needham is just an amazing singer and so gracefully and simply profound that I feel like an idiot every time I pick up a pencil.

b) realized that wanting to do gymnastics is not a bad thing. Just because some people quit when they hit a certain age or experience certain changes in life, doesn’t make that a rule. God gave each of us passions, talents, and desires with which to glorify him. As long as those things don’t keep me from pursuing him and bringing him honor, I’m actually just doing everyone a disservice if I waste those things.

c) decided that I’m prone to let life pass me by. This summer year went by so fast, it made my head spin. Every time I decided, “hey, I’d like to do this in ____ period of time,” I looked up three months later and realized that the time had come and gone. My conclusion? I’m pretty ambitious AND pretty easily distracted. If I want to live a full life (and I’ve got plenty of things planned to fill my life up), I’m going to have to “schedule myself a life.”

d) was blessed by my husband. We don’t always have good days together. Some days, it’s really just better if we don’t talk to each other. We haven’t really perfected the “Us Against the World” technique,  and in the mean time, extreme stress = extreme drama. Right now that means Bruce-and-Ali time = drama central. But today? Thus far, we’ve had a quirky, funny, happy day. These days really inspire me to work really hard for more of them.

e) came to the conclusion that being a highly productive wife is a pretty high-demand part-time job. Being a wife-and-mother is a full time job with mandatory daily overtime. There are amazing women who can hold a part-time job (or even a full-time job!) along with being a wife-and-mother without making their outside job a priority over their family. I’m just not that talented. I do not possess amazing organizational skills. Housekeeping is not my forte. I cannot come home from my 9-5 job and whip a nutritious yummy meal by 6:30 at the latest. Working a full-time job stresses me out so much that my relational and housekeeping responsiblities almost invariably go overlooked. Do I wish I were Martha Stewart? Absolutely! Will I ever be her? I’m pretty sure that I could have a master’s degree in home economics and I will never be her. I officially give myself permission to not need, want, oren be able to “have it all.”

e) felt like a genuis in the thirty minutes that made up my 1 1/2 -hour PE class; I’m officially one of maybe 5 or 6 people who knows how to take a pulse, how to conduct a step test, what aerobic activity is, or why you shouldn’t put heavy pressure on someone’s corroted artery. lol. Small victories for a self-admitted brown-noser… lol

f) had Bruce’s Wednesday Letter done before he even thought about it today! Woot!

Basically, today’s been a pretty good day, and that’s all without even being happy about the fact that I was at school for almost 12 hours…! Life is amazing and God is good.

Real Relationships

So, if you go to Sandals Church, you know that the REALLY big deal there is “being real.” Being honest, open, healthily vulnerable, etc with ourselves, others and God. That’s really what Sandals is about. So if you know me, you wonder why I go there! I am NOT real. I try, but I’m usually not. “Make it or fake it” is my motto, and to be honest, I’m probably usually faking it. The worst part is, I’m so good at faking it, I can do it on automatic; I don’t even think about it. That being said, I need lots of “real” reinforcement.

So when I came across this awesome article on Boundless.org (which you should all know is one of my favorite reading sources), I was stoked. I think Brenna Simonds and I were secretly separated at birth or something, because we think on the same wavelength.

I <3 Facebook. And text messaging. And email. I think in any other time in history, I would have had to be a recluse, because face-to-face relationships stress me out. I can deal with all kinds of problems, on paper. But ask me to problem solve in real time, and I can feel the panic attack coming on just thinking about it. I’m pretty sure this was a major deciding factor in getting married; now, I get all the contact I need in my one best friend who (get this) LIVES with me! It’s great! Right? Then I read this;

After the miscarriage, I realized that of the three people I considered to be my closest friends, only one lived within a reasonable distance from me. In their book Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend write,

We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: Having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.

I’m pretty sure she just put down The Autobiography of Saidah Knutson’s Life Thus Far and wrote that. lol. But seriously; I needed that. Brenna writes,

The tragedy of the miscarriage sent me in search of what it looks like to have a sufficient support system in one’s life, as well as what some of the obstacles to that are.

Amen. That’s the story of my LIFE! But I’m excited that there are other people on my path. I’m excited that I’m not the only one struggling with that and I’m defiitely excited to hear that people have decided to make relationships a priority and are better for it. Jesus didn’t call us to txt each other the gospel; he told us to live it out in face-to-face community.

If you find yourself texting and twittering more than you call or visit; I would definitely read this article.